I couldn’t tell you the last time I was this sick, bad enough that I actually took sick days. Anyone that knows me knows that’s a huge deal, because I just don’t take them. Ingulfed in a routine of sleep, tea, soup and repeat these past few days with no voice. There’s only soo much movies/tv shows before you feel couped up. You start to reflect on what got you to this miserable point… The choices youve made. The stress you carry. The lingering thoughts.
I started looking into the past; even reading my old blog… looking for the point I started losing myself, where everything became more important then myself. I was determined to be all that I could be, but never thought it would mean losing the ability of pure joy. From being over-dedicated to work, to building a small business, to volunteering, to training demands, to taking care of a family member and keeping up with being a good friend. I figured this was the best plan of action. Busy was ‘successful’ in my eyes.
But it came with a lot of heart ache – Stress, Pressure, and Insecurity. There have been many times where I didn’t feel good enough, which only fueled the fire of needing to do more. The more I added, the more failure I felt. I’ve been soo hard on myself most of my life but recently, it became unbarable. I’m not sure how I ever let it get that way because I am good enough. I just have way too much on my plate and in that stress, I let the insecurities find a way in. Trying to be good at everything, when I should thrive with what I’m naturally good at.
At times the toxic thoughts have cost me my health, my happiness and perhaps has harmed the relationships I have with some people. What I’ve learned in the last little bit is that, the small things truly are the best moments. The awards go out of sight and recognition fades. But the random photos still bring a smile. It’s the memories will be the moments you’ll miss the most.
I vowed I would take April to myself… to book nothing. To just be. To hit the mountains, to do more yoga and to shoot for myself (not for a client). Being this sick has re-confirmed this need. I need to get back to the basics, to slow the hell down, to let go of the toxic aspects of my life and to work on some self-love.
I need to break the need of perfection. I need change.
I feel like I’m not alone in this… I think this how our society is. It’s something that we need to break. This fast paced life.