me, myself and running…

I’ve failed at being a runner blogger… ha. Funny enough with how active I am with Social Media, I came to find that run/gym time was ‘me’ time. I spend a lot of time on the web promoting/sharing, be it for work or for a organization I’m involved with or random crap I’m up to. So when I let Calgary Marathon know that I was interested in being a #SCMForeRunner, I figured it would be easy… but I’ve come to realize that I’m not the girl that sits down and writes reviews on gear, or breaks down every run in a blog post. Every time I sat down to write about training, I didn’t find what I wrote that intriguing.

What I did learn through this journey is… I never truly realized how personal my running was to me until I went to blog about it. When it comes to running, I put the earphones in and I run. I don’t stop to take a photo for content. I don’t take selfies. I don’t get excited about what shoes I’m going to wear. I get into the groove and just be. It’s where I escape from life… the stress, struggles and hectic. I decompress. I take a moment away from the life battles, and just sweat the toxic out. And well, it’s where I get my anger/pain out and those aren’t something to share via this blog. I’ve had a lot of things going on in the last four months; and honestly, it’s taken away from my focus of achieving a certain race time. And at times, I’ve felt guilty about this… but I can’t. It’s, honestly, been the best effort I could give currently.

With some family struggles, the mind frame of an intense training program wasn’t where my head was at… It was keeping a float, finding smiles and holding it together as I’ve watched and tried to help someone I love struggle with wanting to live – It’something I would never wish on anyone. This battle is overwhelming, emotionally draining and absolutely heart-breaking.

The motivation to stick to a high level training program hasn’t been there, but I have been running. My knee has held up with the all the training kms I’ve done but seems to give grief around the 17+km mark on a long run… My lower back has been troublesome at times (some days making it even hard to walk without pain). I’ve cross-trained with Spin class and Yoga. I’ve drank a ridiculous amount of VegaOne smoothies, made friends with my Magic Bag and forced myself to eat more Kale. I learnt that Bones doesn’t like being a run buddy, especially on distance days.

Am I where I want to be? Not really but I am ok with that. They have been telling us to blog about our goals and well, there is no longer a time I’m focusing on… I just want to cross the finish line. That’s it. And I believe that will be the goal for the 2014 race season… to run to just run, not to worry about a time. To cross the finish with no pressure, to completely take in the excitement of running in an event.

When I started this journey, I figured that my knee was my biggest obstacle… but it was life.

me, myself and running…

there’s a little good in everything…

I couldn’t tell you the last time I was this sick, bad enough that I actually took sick days. Anyone that knows me knows that’s a huge deal, because I just don’t take them. Ingulfed in a routine of sleep, tea, soup and repeat these past few days with no voice. There’s only soo much movies/tv shows before you feel couped up. You start to reflect on what got you to this miserable point… The choices youve made. The stress you carry. The lingering thoughts.

I started looking into the past; even reading my old blog… looking for the point I started losing myself, where everything became more important then myself. I was determined to be all that I could be, but never thought it would mean losing the ability of pure joy. From being over-dedicated to work, to building a small business, to volunteering, to training demands, to taking care of a family member and keeping up with being a good friend. I figured this was the best plan of action. Busy was ‘successful’ in my eyes.

But it came with a lot of heart ache – Stress, Pressure, and Insecurity. There have been many times where I didn’t feel good enough, which only fueled the fire of needing to do more. The more I added, the more failure I felt. I’ve been soo hard on myself most of my life but recently, it became unbarable. I’m not sure how I ever let it get that way because I am good enough. I just have way too much on my plate and in that stress, I let the insecurities find a way in. Trying to be good at everything, when I should thrive with what I’m naturally good at.

At times the toxic thoughts have cost me my health, my happiness and perhaps has harmed the relationships I have with some people. What I’ve learned in the last little bit is that, the small things truly are the best moments. The awards go out of sight and recognition fades. But the random photos still bring a smile. It’s the memories will be the moments you’ll miss the most.

I vowed I would take April to myself… to book nothing. To just be. To hit the mountains, to do more yoga and to shoot for myself (not for a client). Being this sick has re-confirmed this need. I need to get back to the basics, to slow the hell down, to let go of the toxic aspects of my life and to work on some self-love.

I need to break the need of perfection. I need change.

I feel like I’m not alone in this… I think this how our society is. It’s something that we need to break. This fast paced life.

.Much love.

there’s a little good in everything…

you always crave what you can’t do…

Nothing is quite like waking up feeling crummy, it feels like the whole day is ruined before it began… Today became a day of cancelled photo meetings and not going to the last day of the Calgary Auto Show. Hanging out at home with a Top Chef Canada marathon, nursing a Venti Vanilla Rooibous for the third round (one sbux, just re-filled with hot water)… in hopes that it will help clear my head of it’s stuffed/angry state. In true Lindsey fashion, I’ve been working away on the laptop. Photo paperwork, some blog writing and well, avoiding the wish that I was feeling better so I could run.

ImagePlanning my attack for the last 10 weeks of my Half Marathon training, and it begins tomorrow… No rest for the wicked, right? Only if I’m feeling up to it, I promise. The ten week mark has always been the point where I planned to become very strict about training; crunch time. I’ve been hitting my training schedule but now, its push time. It’s March and the race season is about to become very busy. 3 short runs/1 long run per week, averaging about 30-35km weekly. My knee has been acting up at around 13-15km, which may be the challenge in the coming weeks with the weekly long runs getting longer and longer.

I’ve been struggling with finding the balance of coming back from an injury… when to push it a little bit more or to stop for the day. It’s normal for legs and knees get sore when you start reaching new distances, so is it something I can run through or is it the injury. I have been playing it safe but it leaves me wondering if i’m quitting too soon.

I have to push it 10 more km to be comfortable on race day at Calgary Marathon.

Who has some good tips on how to push through when adding more mileage to your run? It’s all a mental battle, but is there anything you do that helps… a certain playlist on the iPod? Do you consume something for energy?

you always crave what you can’t do…